For the past couple days I've been in a good space. I'm not as angry as I was but I kno that it's not all gone. My mind has been in a really great place. I've still got more growing to do & honestly i'm ready for it. I can't wait till the 3rd so I can find out what's goin on w/ me. I can finally get some answers. Saturday & Sunday I found myself thinkin about a relationship w/ Julius. I shocked myself because as much as I love him & he's always there for me we wouldn't wrk. It's crazy becuz ppl truly believe that we should be together but I kno in my heart that if we did I would come second to his ex & now I dnt come second to anybody. We argue to much & we get on each others nerves. It jus won't wrk. I like bein on my own. Alot of dudes has come out of no where tellin me they want me & all I can really do is jus sit back & laugh cuz I dtnt want them lol.. I told Jeffrey the other day that I dnt want kids. I wasn't sayin that becuz me & him wasn't together anymore, I said it becuz I dnt think I will find somebody to have kids w/. I caught myself imagining me w/ kids when I had my little cousins. I kno that I'm gonna be a mom someday but not around the time I originally planned. I'm feelin great jus doin me right now. Having this freedom feels so great & it's something I've wanted for the past couple years. Every now & then I find myself thinkin about him & the times we shared, good & bad. I sit back & smile because those were probably some of the best days of my life. My bestfriend told me that no matter what ya'll won't be able to leave each other alone because ya'll are each others 1st loves. Hey maybe she's right but idk what the future holds. Right now I'm jus livin my life bein happy w/ the ppl in it.

I have alot of anger manifested inside of me. Idk how to get it all out. Writing things dwn aren't really helping as much as they did before. The ppl I need to actually get this out to dnt listen to me at all. Idk what to do. I need some kind of outlet to help me before I go any more crazier than I already am. That's right I really do believe that I'm not fully there in my brain because of what has happened to me in my 19 years of life. I'm scarred for life & honestly I hate it. I hate feeling like I can never be fixed. I feel alone, like no one really understand what I went thru & they dnt. I kno they dnt & it kills me. I feel like it has really taken over alot of my life & I'm tired of it.

After the information I got the other day all I can do is shake my head. It makes me stay away even more & gives me another reason not to see or speak to him anymore. I can't believe that in the end it was him. I never would've guessed that shit. Damn yo!! I'm fuckin goin crazy cuz of this shit man. Now I can't even believe half the shit he eva told me. Regardless of what I have eva done to him this shit sinks lower than them all. It's crazy cuz I still can't find myself to hate him for it. I still love him, always, but I kno to never & I mean ever go back to him or the past. Smdh.. Fuckin crazy yo...

Fading

Idk why but for the past couple days there has been things that remind me of him. It's weird becuz my mind hasn't been on him for a while. I've seen ppl w/ the same punisher hat that he has, or a song would come on & it would remind me of the little things. I'm not annoyed or anything it's just kinda....weird. I was listenin to Rihanna's new album LOUD & I jus knew something would remind me of him & there is. The song ''California King Bed'' is one of my favorites but it describes how it was & how I felt dwn to a T. Another song is ''Fading'' & that describes how I feel rite now. There are alot of things I've forgotten & can't remember. I dnt remember what he looks or sounds like, what his car looks like, nothin. I'm not sayin I dnt have any love for him but I can really tell that I'm not in love w/ him anymore. The other day when he sent me that e-mail sayin that, it actually didn't hurt me. It shocked me becuz I thought that if he ever told me that I would b crushed but that really showed me that I jus didn't care anymore. I had this feeling for months that wouldn't go away. Something inside me changed. I didn't feel the way I used to when it came to me & him. I think that was why it was so easy for me to let go. I got tired of his shit. My cousin told me from the jump that he wasn't the one & my cousin only met him once, that's all it took, & my cousin is a very friendly person & makes friends fast so for him to tell me that was a huge shock for me. He told me ''No matter what you say it was more him than you, the reason why ya'll are where ya'll are at rite now is becuz he lost control''. Those words still float around in my head. When I sit back & look at what he did I can see where they was comin frm. I have my own opinions but I'm jus glad that my eyes are open now. There's really nuttin he can do to either change my mind, make me come back or even upset me. This new feeling is great. It feels great to know that that old me is gone. This one line hits me when I listen to Don't Need You by LeToya Luckett , ''How could someone so independent, become so damn submissive''. Everytime I hear that line I'm like Damn ! But hey the past is the past & I'm so glad the old me & feelings are fading.

Over,

Wow. After getting that off my chest I think I feel better. I've realized that no matter what I'll always love him, but I'm no longer in love w/ him. People change, that is most evident in this situation. I've really grown & matured these past couple weeks & I'm beginning to see that. I'm not looking for love now. I'm on a search to find myself. It's time that I take charge & do what I want to do. I love him, I'm not gonna lie I do but it just wasn't for us. I want someone that won't hold anything against me, that won't judge me or the people I'm around. I need someone that no matter what they will always know that I love them & only them. Somebody I wont have to worry about constantly bickering & arguing & regretting what was said.

I'm on a search for myself & while I'm lookin I wnt get distracted. The rest of this year & my New Years Resolution is to find myself w/o gettin thrown off track. I'm totally up for it.

Damn!! I never realized jus how much my pl really can't stand him. It's crazy cuz they could've surely won an Oscar for it..lol. But really if they can't stand him then that's them. I could honestly careless. I'm in a really good place rite now & It feels really great to say that. I'm happy & I haven't been for a while. Everyday I've been all =)'s & it really feels great.

Day after day it gets better, I get stronger, & the past get farther & farther away frm me. I'm not dwelling on anything anymore. I find myself smiln more & more each day. Yea there are times when I find myself thinkin about him but I'm only human. I jus feel things becomin more bright each day. I've never felt like this before. It's new & refreshing & I'm lovin it honestly lol. I'm surrounded by a whole bunch of ppl that support me throughout everything. They have done nothing but told me the truth & I'm so happy that I have them in my life. I can't really describe the feeling I have. It's jus amazing to me how the situation can make me feel like this in the end. I was way past my breakin point but jus like everybody else w/ their 1st love it's hard to let go. & for a lil bit it was but I finally did it & I'm feeling wonderful. I'm really glad w/ where I'm at =)

I've come to the desicion of actually tellin him how I feel. I've been thinkin about this for a couple days now & the biggest thing that runs through my head is will he actually read or hear what I've got to say? He hasn't done that before so why would he now? I've actually taken the time to understand where he's comin frm & like I've said a million & one times I can admit when I'm wrong but w/ him it seems like he's never wrong & that's what pisses me off so much about him.i kno we're not perfect, nobody is, but I jus dnt understand how he can be like that. I jus want to air our everyhing. I kno he'll prolly think I'm on sum '' I wanna b friends'' type shit but honestly I could careless. All I kno is that to clear my mind I need to get this off my chest w/ him & that's what I plan on doin...

Life has been pretty great so far. I've realized that all this time was wasted on sumthin that would never work. Pretty much everyone around me can't stand his ass. They all tell me that shit dnt add up w/ him and I couldn't agree more. Crazy thing is I dnt feel any type of way anymore. I kno it's over when I can't listen to They Don't Kno by Jon B & not get upset or tear up. I feel like i've gotten past a huge hurdle in my life. Sittin back thinkin about everything brought sum big things to my attention & all I can to is shake my head & keep rite on movin. I finally feel like I'm where I need to be in life. I got my boo, my fam, my friends... That's all I need =)