For the past couple days I've been in a good space. I'm not as angry as I was but I kno that it's not all gone. My mind has been in a really great place. I've still got more growing to do & honestly i'm ready for it. I can't wait till the 3rd so I can find out what's goin on w/ me. I can finally get some answers. Saturday & Sunday I found myself thinkin about a relationship w/ Julius. I shocked myself because as much as I love him & he's always there for me we wouldn't wrk. It's crazy becuz ppl truly believe that we should be together but I kno in my heart that if we did I would come second to his ex & now I dnt come second to anybody. We argue to much & we get on each others nerves. It jus won't wrk. I like bein on my own. Alot of dudes has come out of no where tellin me they want me & all I can really do is jus sit back & laugh cuz I dtnt want them lol.. I told Jeffrey the other day that I dnt want kids. I wasn't sayin that becuz me & him wasn't together anymore, I said it becuz I dnt think I will find somebody to have kids w/. I caught myself imagining me w/ kids when I had my little cousins. I kno that I'm gonna be a mom someday but not around the time I originally planned. I'm feelin great jus doin me right now. Having this freedom feels so great & it's something I've wanted for the past couple years. Every now & then I find myself thinkin about him & the times we shared, good & bad. I sit back & smile because those were probably some of the best days of my life. My bestfriend told me that no matter what ya'll won't be able to leave each other alone because ya'll are each others 1st loves. Hey maybe she's right but idk what the future holds. Right now I'm jus livin my life bein happy w/ the ppl in it.

I have alot of anger manifested inside of me. Idk how to get it all out. Writing things dwn aren't really helping as much as they did before. The ppl I need to actually get this out to dnt listen to me at all. Idk what to do. I need some kind of outlet to help me before I go any more crazier than I already am. That's right I really do believe that I'm not fully there in my brain because of what has happened to me in my 19 years of life. I'm scarred for life & honestly I hate it. I hate feeling like I can never be fixed. I feel alone, like no one really understand what I went thru & they dnt. I kno they dnt & it kills me. I feel like it has really taken over alot of my life & I'm tired of it.

After the information I got the other day all I can do is shake my head. It makes me stay away even more & gives me another reason not to see or speak to him anymore. I can't believe that in the end it was him. I never would've guessed that shit. Damn yo!! I'm fuckin goin crazy cuz of this shit man. Now I can't even believe half the shit he eva told me. Regardless of what I have eva done to him this shit sinks lower than them all. It's crazy cuz I still can't find myself to hate him for it. I still love him, always, but I kno to never & I mean ever go back to him or the past. Smdh.. Fuckin crazy yo...

Fading

Idk why but for the past couple days there has been things that remind me of him. It's weird becuz my mind hasn't been on him for a while. I've seen ppl w/ the same punisher hat that he has, or a song would come on & it would remind me of the little things. I'm not annoyed or anything it's just kinda....weird. I was listenin to Rihanna's new album LOUD & I jus knew something would remind me of him & there is. The song ''California King Bed'' is one of my favorites but it describes how it was & how I felt dwn to a T. Another song is ''Fading'' & that describes how I feel rite now. There are alot of things I've forgotten & can't remember. I dnt remember what he looks or sounds like, what his car looks like, nothin. I'm not sayin I dnt have any love for him but I can really tell that I'm not in love w/ him anymore. The other day when he sent me that e-mail sayin that, it actually didn't hurt me. It shocked me becuz I thought that if he ever told me that I would b crushed but that really showed me that I jus didn't care anymore. I had this feeling for months that wouldn't go away. Something inside me changed. I didn't feel the way I used to when it came to me & him. I think that was why it was so easy for me to let go. I got tired of his shit. My cousin told me from the jump that he wasn't the one & my cousin only met him once, that's all it took, & my cousin is a very friendly person & makes friends fast so for him to tell me that was a huge shock for me. He told me ''No matter what you say it was more him than you, the reason why ya'll are where ya'll are at rite now is becuz he lost control''. Those words still float around in my head. When I sit back & look at what he did I can see where they was comin frm. I have my own opinions but I'm jus glad that my eyes are open now. There's really nuttin he can do to either change my mind, make me come back or even upset me. This new feeling is great. It feels great to know that that old me is gone. This one line hits me when I listen to Don't Need You by LeToya Luckett , ''How could someone so independent, become so damn submissive''. Everytime I hear that line I'm like Damn ! But hey the past is the past & I'm so glad the old me & feelings are fading.

Over,

Wow. After getting that off my chest I think I feel better. I've realized that no matter what I'll always love him, but I'm no longer in love w/ him. People change, that is most evident in this situation. I've really grown & matured these past couple weeks & I'm beginning to see that. I'm not looking for love now. I'm on a search to find myself. It's time that I take charge & do what I want to do. I love him, I'm not gonna lie I do but it just wasn't for us. I want someone that won't hold anything against me, that won't judge me or the people I'm around. I need someone that no matter what they will always know that I love them & only them. Somebody I wont have to worry about constantly bickering & arguing & regretting what was said.

I'm on a search for myself & while I'm lookin I wnt get distracted. The rest of this year & my New Years Resolution is to find myself w/o gettin thrown off track. I'm totally up for it.

Damn!! I never realized jus how much my pl really can't stand him. It's crazy cuz they could've surely won an Oscar for it..lol. But really if they can't stand him then that's them. I could honestly careless. I'm in a really good place rite now & It feels really great to say that. I'm happy & I haven't been for a while. Everyday I've been all =)'s & it really feels great.

Day after day it gets better, I get stronger, & the past get farther & farther away frm me. I'm not dwelling on anything anymore. I find myself smiln more & more each day. Yea there are times when I find myself thinkin about him but I'm only human. I jus feel things becomin more bright each day. I've never felt like this before. It's new & refreshing & I'm lovin it honestly lol. I'm surrounded by a whole bunch of ppl that support me throughout everything. They have done nothing but told me the truth & I'm so happy that I have them in my life. I can't really describe the feeling I have. It's jus amazing to me how the situation can make me feel like this in the end. I was way past my breakin point but jus like everybody else w/ their 1st love it's hard to let go. & for a lil bit it was but I finally did it & I'm feeling wonderful. I'm really glad w/ where I'm at =)

I've come to the desicion of actually tellin him how I feel. I've been thinkin about this for a couple days now & the biggest thing that runs through my head is will he actually read or hear what I've got to say? He hasn't done that before so why would he now? I've actually taken the time to understand where he's comin frm & like I've said a million & one times I can admit when I'm wrong but w/ him it seems like he's never wrong & that's what pisses me off so much about him.i kno we're not perfect, nobody is, but I jus dnt understand how he can be like that. I jus want to air our everyhing. I kno he'll prolly think I'm on sum '' I wanna b friends'' type shit but honestly I could careless. All I kno is that to clear my mind I need to get this off my chest w/ him & that's what I plan on doin...

Life has been pretty great so far. I've realized that all this time was wasted on sumthin that would never work. Pretty much everyone around me can't stand his ass. They all tell me that shit dnt add up w/ him and I couldn't agree more. Crazy thing is I dnt feel any type of way anymore. I kno it's over when I can't listen to They Don't Kno by Jon B & not get upset or tear up. I feel like i've gotten past a huge hurdle in my life. Sittin back thinkin about everything brought sum big things to my attention & all I can to is shake my head & keep rite on movin. I finally feel like I'm where I need to be in life. I got my boo, my fam, my friends... That's all I need =)

Old Msgs

So I was go thru my msgs on facebook today & I came across our old msgs. It's crazy how things can change within a matter of weeks. It's crazy cuz normally if I go thru them I would start to miss him & my heart would get heavy, but that didn't even happen. All I could do is shake my head. To me it just seemed so fake. We said we would always be here & always be together, & will always love each other no matter what, now look at us lol.. God works in mysterious ways. I can honestly say that I really dnt feel some type of way about this. This is how I know that everything will be ok for me. I've learned frm those mistakes & I'm moving forward with life. It feels great =)

Truly

I've realized that I'm handling this alot better than I thought I would. People can see a change in me. I'm not that ''depressed lookin girl sittin around the house'' as my mom puts it. I'm not that ''No, stop, I dnt want to b around you'' person as Julius says. I'm finally me again & it feels great. I finally have someone that makes me feel like I'm worth it. That knows me & my past & doesn't hold shit against me. Man that feels great !..lol I'm no longer walkin on pins & needles watchin everything that I say to people. I'm finally happy with where I'm at in life. It feels great to have that one that is so secure w/ themselves. It feels great to have someone not accuse or judge you. These feelings I'm having are totally new. Different than from what I've felt before. I feel alive again. Totally free. My spirits are high & I'm truly happy. I've forgiven myself for the wrong I've done & I've forgiven him. He can keep wateva he has of mine. I dnt need it. I dnt want it. He must want it cuz he has yet to give it back. He can have it. I'm finally believing in me & doin what I want & makin me happy. This is the way it's gonna stay.

All =)'s

I can't do anything but smile. This feeling is so new & refreshing... I love it. It's different. A good different & I dnt want to do anything to jepordize that. I'm feelin really great. It feels great to be appreciated for who you are, & not have anything held against you. I really feels great to have a clear mind. I'm loving what has started & can't wait to see what this may turn into. I'm more bubbly & I'm happier than I have been for a while. =)

A New Me

There are so many things that could be said. So many things that could've been worked out, but honestly there's no point. I've realize that I dnt want to try to work things out w/ him. Why try when he already believes that I never loved him? Why try to break my back when he's just gonna hold me dwn w/ the past? I've had this small empty feeling & I kno that it's cuz I miss what we had. I still love that boy whether he wants to believe it or not, but I realized that while I was stuck stayin w/ someone that held me back I missed alot of oppourtunites. I'm not gonna go on about who did what & how much it hurt. I've left it alone & it's in the past. I've learned & I'm growing from it. I've realized alot of things in these past 2 weeks & I can honestly say that I feel alot better than I have in a while. I'm more confident & I'm finally believing in me. Writing songs have been really theraputic for me. I'm glad that I have this person in my corner that's there for me every step of the way. It really means alot to me. I'm happy for everything that he's given me which has made me happy w/ myself today. I've forgiven myself for everything I've done but most of all I've forgiven him. I'm not holding on to the past. I'm lookin towards my future. I'm a totally new person. =)

What is this?

I woke up feelin some type of way. Maybe that convo last nite really opened my eyes up. It's something on my mind but idk who to talk to about it. I jus really want to get past this stage. I just want to b able to move on now. I'm not talkin about relationship, I jus mean w/ life. I jus have to give this time. All I kno is that music is my bestfriend today....

After talkin to my brother I have to say that I really should move on. Even tho he believes that everything will work out I'm more than convinced that they won't. He dnt trust me. W/o that then there is no relationship. He dnt believe I love him sp why even try? Like I said I'm not gonna fight this by myself. I gotta move one & let the past go.

I think I'm feeling better about myself. I dnt feel myself sayin I'm not pretty as much. I feel better with the choices made & actually he has made that alot better for me. With him thinkin that i'm not thinkin about him jus got me like if that's the case then why think about you.. He was on my mind since it happened but since he believes that I dnt think about him or even love him for that matter, smh, why should I? I've come to a time in my life when I'm tired of bullshit & instead of jus sayin it I'm doin something about it..

My Time Is Now

I've wrote down so much in these past couple days & this is the last of it.i'm not gonna go on & on about what happened & how I feel becuz I'm over it. I can feel the beginning of a new me. I can feel myself changing into the woman I really want to be. My cousin told me something that shook me. Becuz of my past w/ my dad I'm used to aggressive love & that's why I was so comfortable & used to the love that was given. I've realized alot of my fathers actions is why I was the way I was in that relationship. Now I kno he dnt care & he isn't thinkin about me but I do love him. Always have & always will but it's time for me to move one & grow. It's time for me to really focus & do me. I'm to young for a serious relationship. I'm focusing on me. I was singing the other day & I think I actually want to go after my forgotten dream. It's time to make me happy & my time is now.